I’ve been so aware lately of my many deficiencies. I have an ongoing joke with the Lord that I pretty much suck at life. While certain spiritual realities come easily to me–I guess you could say they are supernaturally natural–a lot of “normal” life stuff that seems like it should be a whole lot easier somehow manages to elude me. (See this post for a better explanation.)
While Jesus and I do laugh about it, I can tell you there are times it isn’t at all funny. In fact, I frequently fight depression and an ongoing sense of deep loneliness–which is definitely no joke. Fortunately, because of the confidence I have in Him, I know that Jesus still loves to hang out with me–even when I’m a mess and zero fun to be around. He doesn’t ever seem to mind that I don’t have it all together. That fact is the anchor that keeps me running to Him regardless of how “deficient” I may feel.
What is kind of humorous is that even when I feel like a walking train wreck without a single thing to offer the world around me, other people still tend to sense that place of peace and security in Him. In a restless world, people are looking for something–anything–that is solid. I do have that–even on my darkest day. And trust me, I’m eternally grateful. Since I authentically love people and want to give of His vast heart for them, instead of saying I’m a mess, I usually feel a sense of responsibility to attempt to share something of His goodness with others. I always want to attempt to stay together enough to “rightly” represent Him (whatever that means – pretty sure I’m not really all that great at it) because despite how I may feel, He is glorious, and good, and kind, and faithful, and beautiful, (and on and on and on). I genuinely ache for people to know that, so I try to suck it up and hope some of what is real in Him somehow leaks out of my messy weak self.
Until I fall apart and can’t do it anymore. Then I hide.
I used to think that was bad. Maybe sometimes it is. I’m really not sure. Maybe it’s one of those areas where I’m not sure how to find the “right” balance between offering something–anything of Him–to those who desperately need Him and being real about my own needs. I honestly don’t know. But what I do know is this:
The only place I ever find life again is in Him
Here’s the deal, even when I do suck at life–He doesn’t. He is very good at it. In fact, He is the Author of life. Although He knows me perfectly, including every broken, deficient place, He doesn’t waste time trying to scold me, cajole me, or even trying to “fix” me. I’ve actually come to believe that He doesn’t have even the remotest interest in fixing what is lacking in my life–He just wants me to learn to authentically live His.
It’s a work in process. But it is in process–and for that, I’m thankful.
Because Christ in me is the hope of glory.
He is the hope of glory in you, too. And heaven knows we could all use some hope right about now.