Sometimes I’m just not sure where to land.
One day I’ll be earnestly grappling with places of disconnect between what I say I believe and what my life actually demonstrates. The very next day (or even the very next moment) I’m resting in the amazing reality of the finished work of the cross.
It’s been this way for a while now. There was a time I lived more on the side of contending–praying audacious, bold prayers. Constantly seeking the “more” of God. I was never very confident in outward things, but in the unseen realm, I had great confidence. And I did pray big prayers. I believed–really believed–my prayers could shape the course of nations. I believed there were no hindrances to what God could do in and through my life. Well, I believed for awhile …
Until I didn’t.
It was a subtle thing. A little disappointment here. A little burn-out there. A little revelation of how some religious habits and thinking had worked themselves into my mostly pure prayers. And before I knew it, disillusionment began to dim down the fire in my heart.
But it wasn’t all bad.
Some of it was a much needed redirection to a place of rest. To a place of refreshing and relaxing. To a place of letting go. To a place of simply enjoying the presence of God without the frustration of desperately wanting to see certain things happen. I’d always loved just being with him and I began to connect with the simple joys of daily life with him on a much deeper level.
Really, I finally learned to be content.
Until contentment began to look a lot like complacency.
Until the Holy Spirit began stirring and awakening my heart. Until he began reminding me of those bold, audacious prayers I used to pray. Until he leaned over and whispered ever-so-gently and lovingly into my ear that he liked those prayers.
Until he asked me to–please–pray them again.
And when it comes down to it, I’ve never really been able to tell him no.
So here I am …
~contending, yet content
~wrestling, yet resting
~hungry for more, yet fully satisfied
For a long time I thought these concepts were mutually exclusive. But it turns out they’re not. And I’m glad. Because this is a good place to be. A really good place. Probably the best place I’ve ever been. It’s the place of learning to be …
In fact, it’s so good here that I’ve decided it’s quite alright that I don’t have a clue where to land.
It just means I’ll have to learn to keep soaring.
But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. –Isaiah 40:31 (NLT)
What about you? Are there prayers–maybe even bold and audacious prayers–you no longer pray? Is it time to start again? Is it time to learn to be audacious , bold … and content?