Okay, so here’s the deal – I am who I am. That may sound like a no-brainer to some, but it has actually taken me a while to figure it out.
In my case “being who I am” means my life revolves around Jesus. I want to be with Him, I want to be like Him, I want to talk about Him, and…I want to write about Him.
That’s not a problem for some, but for others in my life it is – which also makes it a problem for me because I care about them and want to be “relateable.” I want to have more common ground. I want to have more things to talk about, more to share. But I am who I am.
I’ve gone through a bit of a metamorphosis on this whole issue. There was a time when I wanted to be considered “spiritual” – when I wanted to be considered amongst the “not of this world” crowd. The problem with that is that the more I listened to His heart the more I realized He loves this world. Much of the church has been so concerned with figuring out where we are on God’s supposed “end times calendar” and so caught up with getting “outta here”, that our perception of what we’re supposed to do while we are here has become distorted. We need to demonstrate His heart by being His hands and feet, right here and right now. In recent history, the church has done a fantastic job preaching the gospel of salvation, but the gospel of the kingdom … ummm, not so much.
This reality presents a dilemma for me. I want to get past the religious junk. I don’t want to speak in Christianese. I don’t want everything I say to sound “hyper-spiritual.” Instead I desperately want to learn to love the way He loves. I also want to be down-to-earth. I want to be easy to talk to and I want people – from all walks of life – to feel comfortable around me. I want to be relateable. I want to be real.
And there is the rub – the being “real” part. Because the thing is, for me, being real is being someone who is madly, passionately, head over heels in love with Jesus. Being real for me is spending large chunks of time lingering with Him and soaking in His presence. Being real for me is being captivated by the fire in His eyes and fully consumed by the passion of His heart. Being real for me is always longing to know Him more. Being real for me is having a one-track heart and mind – now and forever. But, unfortunately, my “reality” is not always so relateable to others.
But it is who I am. Trying to be anyone or anything else, just comes off forced and fake. I am, I suppose, a mystic of sorts. I am more comfortable in the unseen than the seen. I can’t ratchett my relationship with Him down a notch or two and pretend I like certain things or want to do certain things just to seem less “out there” – I’ve tried and it hasn’t come off very well. Don’t get me wrong – there are plently of people who do love Jesus with their whole hearts who probably seem a lot more relateable and a lot less “out there” than me. Frankly, I’m glad! But that’s them and how they are wired – and, for better or worse, this is me and how I’m wired.
So that’s it. I am who I am. I will always continue to look for ways to be realateable to those I love and those He wants touch, but life is too short to try to be something you’re not. I figure if God wired me this way, there must be a reason and hopefully there is at least some earthly value in being wholly wired for the eternal. Of course I know He likes me and values me. And I know I’ll always have a place I “fit” – in His heart and at His feet. But, honestly, it would be really nice to fit a little better here too. Whether I do or not, though…
I am who I am.
Cindy Powell 